Fly Away

There are days when I wish to fly away. That of course would entail my going on a plane. But, there are times that I wish I could sore like a bird. Free of constraints. The irony of these musings is that the constraints I feel are self-imposed. I create my prison and I alone can plot my escape. 

The tools I have for escaping myself when I succumb to my negative side, my dark side, my “she who shall not be named” side, are varied. I do engage in a form of spiritual practice. I can hide myself away within a good novel, and on days when I am feeling brave continue writing my own novel. I can go out side and watch the birds that symbolize much to me. I have never seen a heron stomp his or her webbed feet on the ground over missing a fish. Nor, have I witnessed any hysterics from the other birds that fish in the waterways here in Florida. There is a lesson in their behavior, one that is grounded in staying in the moment. Frustration does add anything to problem solving, but it does waste valuable energy. The tools, yes…I use exercise to exorcise my demons and I use laughter to lighten my spirit.

I actually love to laugh. It feels great and it is soooo healthy for you. Did you know that it reduces that wrinkles, especially those frowning wrinkles. So, here I am in need of a good laugh, a strong workout, and a trip to watch some birds calmly cope with their reality. It is all about perception then isn’t it?

Time Passages

This month is particularly unusual. I have a son graduating college and a daughter graduating high school. I  clearly remember sitting in Washington Square Park in New York, with my son only a couple of months old, looking at all the college guys passing by. I would fantasize about what my son would look  like when he was on his way to a college class.

I also envisioned what my daughter would look like in high school. In part my visions were correct but who my children have become and who they are yet to become in full adulthood still remains a mystery. The journey has been long, the journey has been short. Fast, slow, uphill, downhill. The road of the journey bumpy and smooth. Just like the road of my own journey and the journey I continue to travel.

My children are different from each other, so very different. Each one a unique combination of him and her self and of us their parents. Their potential is still unfolding with much strength yet to be developed and manifested. They are interesting individuals my children. 

Sometimes, I have stopped and asked myself “how did I get here”  surprised that I am where my feet have landed. But in truth, it doesn’t matter. Time keeps moving me forward. Sometimes I travel the road with grace and calm while other times I stomp my feet and step backward. Usually my backward steps are unintentional. But, once I regain my balance I move quickly forward. 

My son told me last month, “Mom, you were a good mom. You did a good job raising us”. I appreciate his statement. I know I wasn’t a perfect mom. I would try to be present and supportive though I know I didn’t always do it in the best way. I am emotional. Most of the time my children would laugh about it. I tried to bring laughter to our lives, sometimes I succeeded better than others. I tried to be sensitive and compassionate with both them and their friends. My son and his friends were far more open to me than my daughter and her friends. I am the type of person who is direct. It can make some uncomforable.

It seems that now my mom job takes on a different form. I look forward to sharing my children’s lives with them in the future and hope that I can still do a good job — even if the job description  changes a bit. My children have kept me going at difficult times and continue to inspire me. I want to be just like them when I grow up.

 

The World of Techno: Communications and More

I have been writing professionally for a long time. I had resisted writing for the web for longer than I should have but that changed several years ago. The world of writing for the web is different than the print publication. I do like the printed word on a page. I do enjoy holding a book in my hands and turning the pages. I have not yet experienced reading on the Nook but I suppose that the day is drawing near.

So I made the transition to web writing and it was well different. Since those first days several years ago, I have become quite proficient at the skill. But, I still desire a long tablet to work with, the ability to write complex sentences, and perhaps wax poetic. I was to an internet marketing event last week and the gentleman speaking was from a notable marketing firm. He spoke with glee about connecting all levels of  marketing etc., well that made sense, and glowingly about the near future where one’s every like and dislike will have been categorized and stored so that upon awakening in the morning an individual will be  bombarded with specific ads directed toward that individual. I think I must be getting old, because it didn’t excite me in the least. It felt like Big Brother was closer than I would like to think.

Following that experience I went to an Earth Day event where a gentleman was expounding upon the glories of a new form of city. Reinventing civilization he said. Large skyscrapers where one would live, work, shop, educate the children. I asked, “how do you get outside” , “oh”, he replied, “through one of twelve doors.

Not my idea of new world. I will stick with living in one place, walking to work, and frolicking in some open field.

All a twitter

I awoke to a troubled teenager girl. The past evening had been filled with tears and anger and confusion. Life can be hard on a normal day, but the drama of teenage angst makes it harder. I have heard people say they wish they were 17 again. Not me. I remember well my own angst-and mine lasted well past my teen years. I would not wish to return to that state ever.

Since my teens, I have had my ups and downs, but I think I have learned to manage it better. I happen to be celebrating a birthday this week. The number is a bit of a shock to me. But, still, it could be worse and if I remain healthy it will get worse.HAHAHA.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave over my hurting teen. I wish I could take the pain away. But I can’t. I hope that I have the compassion to help her through this difficult time in her life. I hope I can give her the strength to stay healthy and brave.

My heart beats fast, I seek clarity today. I have to breathe and trust it will work out. She is an amazing human being, if I could only find the way to show her.

Time Passes

I can’t recall the last time I came to post a blog. I know that is consider deadly for blogs, but then I haven’t really gotten it together so that anyone visits with any regularity. So, why write?

I have been busy writing about addiction, detox, withdrawal and on and on. It is a job that is good to me. I have just started re-reading a novel that I have gotten half way through writing. I have been unable to touch it in about a year and a half. Life has a way of interfering with plans.

Anyway, I have vowed to myself that I will complete this novel and sell it this year. Of course, I  have determined that it will be a big success.  Will she or won’t she continue to write about addiction….

It is as if I have been missing from this part of my life. I know actually that that statement is ridiculous, as I have very much been in every part of my life. It is more that at the end of the day, I lacked the energy and motivation to write. I guess I needed to push through that feeling. I think it is more accurate to state that I must continue to push through that feeling or nothing of my own will get written. That would make me very unhappy.

So, here’s to new beginnings, or continued efforts or whatever.

Anything Goes

The year quickly draws to an end. For me, the year has been divided into two phases: married and seperated. I have been married for over 36 years. Wow. That is unfathomable to me, but then so is the birthday that quickly approaches in a few weeks- one of those major, decade changing bdays. While it was inevitable that the day would arrive as long as I continued to breathe, I never really thought it would approach so rapidly. It doesn’t matter that it took decades to get here. I still never thought of myself being a woman of a certain age.  it is shocking to have arrived here.

Anything goes when we open ourselves to change. My years of marriage were a struggle  and as the number reveals, I held on for a long time. My marriage was fraught with tension, meaness, love, frustration and many more emotions that don’t need to be mentioned. It would be unimaginable to think of being with one person for that length of time and not to have experienced a lifetime of feelings, not the least of which was learning how deeply one can love one’s children.

Anything goes when confronting other people’s emotional reactions. All those well thought out analyses of any situation do not prepare us for someone else’s emotional reality. Oh. Did I mention that anything goes when dealing with a 17 year old daughter or the necessary but sadly experienced emotion seperation of a dearly loved son.

The  year quickly draws to an end and I have taken a full time writing job, given up writing a business column, moved into my own home, left my dogs behind, discovered a side of my children I never knew existed, yet I feel strong and content with my decision and actions. There are new writing plans for the new year, and I hope to live up to my plans.

What the new year holds for me remains unknown. No doubt I will have set backs, progress forward, successes and maybe disappointments. As long as I stay intouch with myself and accept that anything goes, I will probably move through this new year with grace and some serenity.

Wishing 2010 adieu while welcoming the possibilities in 2011.

Happy new year.

Searching for a perspective

Just spent 1/2 hr. going back and forth looking for a new look for my blog. I like the idea of a soothing photo. I was not able to find anything that pleases my sensibilities today. I don’t like dark colors for the blog, but I don’t want a plan screen either. If I were a bit more savy, I would design it myself using my photos. I don’t have the patience.

So, for the moment I will continue to have the same blog look I have had for a number of years. This new year, however, I want to really attract more visitors to my page. I guess I should do a bit more work on that issue…