Besides spending time filling out profile forms on the computer for job applications, I decided to go down to the local Panera Bread and apply for a position advertised in the local paper. I had to force myself to change into more appropriate clothes and rushed out of the house before I could change my mind.
Money, that is what was behind the push. Anyway, I walked in and asked about the job application. After I finished filling in their form, I noticed a knot of people in a corner. I saw a woman holding a stack of applications and 5 other applicants near her. Being a bit pushy, I walked right up to her and handed in my application. We walked away from the crowd and I actually thought “great, I may get an interview!”
How wrong I was. I was told that they were gathering the applications and would hold them on file. I was also told that there was a stack of applications that had not even been looked at yet. So much for that. I should have kept my comfortable sweat pants on — at least I would have been comfortable in my un-comfortability…
I just remind myself that the Gods that be must have something better in store for me.
It has been many years since my struggle to earn a living as an actress. Despite my talent, I labored under the perception of that the purity of my art, for which I was seriously trained and commercialism (earning a real living were not compatible.) I am no longer acting, at least not on the stage. But, I still struggle with my concept of art, commercialism, and selling out. At the moment, I am working on a novel. It is a new area of writing for me and I avoided it with a passion. I didn’t know the best way to approach the project –blah, blah, blah. So, with some encouragement I began to write.
Where is this line of thinking taking me? I haven’t a clue, but I know that I get frustrated when I have to write something that is not of social or artistic value. That leaves most of what one earns a living writing about out of the picture. Thus, I find myself being true to some notion of art and lacking a secure income. My artistic vision doesn’t put food on the table nor pay my son’s college tuition bill. Sometimes, I think I am stuck in another century. I really should try to get a sponsor so that I can just go about my merry way exploring this or that artistic medium for the pleasure of the creative experience.
In the meantime, I will continue to struggle to write my first novel, I will fight to control my expectations of a life creatively lived, and look for writing work that can pay the bills. Anyone need a speech? Perhaps, a ghost writer? How about a letter? I was actually Ed Koch’s correspondence writer OH soooo many years ago…