Anything Goes

The year quickly draws to an end. For me, the year has been divided into two phases: married and seperated. I have been married for over 36 years. Wow. That is unfathomable to me, but then so is the birthday that quickly approaches in a few weeks- one of those major, decade changing bdays. While it was inevitable that the day would arrive as long as I continued to breathe, I never really thought it would approach so rapidly. It doesn’t matter that it took decades to get here. I still never thought of myself being a woman of a certain age.  it is shocking to have arrived here.

Anything goes when we open ourselves to change. My years of marriage were a struggle  and as the number reveals, I held on for a long time. My marriage was fraught with tension, meaness, love, frustration and many more emotions that don’t need to be mentioned. It would be unimaginable to think of being with one person for that length of time and not to have experienced a lifetime of feelings, not the least of which was learning how deeply one can love one’s children.

Anything goes when confronting other people’s emotional reactions. All those well thought out analyses of any situation do not prepare us for someone else’s emotional reality. Oh. Did I mention that anything goes when dealing with a 17 year old daughter or the necessary but sadly experienced emotion seperation of a dearly loved son.

The  year quickly draws to an end and I have taken a full time writing job, given up writing a business column, moved into my own home, left my dogs behind, discovered a side of my children I never knew existed, yet I feel strong and content with my decision and actions. There are new writing plans for the new year, and I hope to live up to my plans.

What the new year holds for me remains unknown. No doubt I will have set backs, progress forward, successes and maybe disappointments. As long as I stay intouch with myself and accept that anything goes, I will probably move through this new year with grace and some serenity.

Wishing 2010 adieu while welcoming the possibilities in 2011.

Happy new year.

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Searching for a perspective

Just spent 1/2 hr. going back and forth looking for a new look for my blog. I like the idea of a soothing photo. I was not able to find anything that pleases my sensibilities today. I don’t like dark colors for the blog, but I don’t want a plan screen either. If I were a bit more savy, I would design it myself using my photos. I don’t have the patience.

So, for the moment I will continue to have the same blog look I have had for a number of years. This new year, however, I want to really attract more visitors to my page. I guess I should do a bit more work on that issue…

The end of much more than a year

I write this post, after neglecting my blog for a long time, with no clear intention. Part of my problem is that I have not connected with other people and do not know how to optimize my blog’s exposure. Sigh….

The year is drawing to an end. A decade is coming to an end. And, my marriage is ending. I have had control over the last ending. It has been a long term marriage that produced two wonderful children- my beautiful Miss L and my boy Ben.  I love both my children dearly though they can both be trying at times, to say the least.

While my husband is unhappy with my decision to end our marriage, we have moved through the transition with grace. I owe him a good deal of gratitude and would not want to continue to hurt him through this process. I would not want my children to suffer, though I know they too are in pain. But, as the year ends, I reflect back and believe I did the right thing. Perhaps I should have done this earlier when the kids were younger but I didn’t.

My son said, “Mom, I have come to accept that I am not loosing my family. It is just changing configuration”.  That is how I see it. I will always be connected to my husband. Yes, because of my children but also because I have spent the last 42 years of my life with this man. Can that be wiped away. No. Would I want that to be wiped away. No.

Over the last few months, I have found it difficult to see that I have been responsible for causing these people I love such pain. It is indeed sometimes hard to reconcile that since I am not in pain. I believe I did what was right for me.

So, the year comes to an end, the decade comes to an end, and my marriage comes to an end. I   I look forward to this new phase of my life. I look forward to seeing my children continue to grow and thrive. I look forward to helping my husband heal in whatever way I can.

Happy holiday to all — whoever you may be.