I facilitated an expressive writing class today. There were to be ten people attending. Only a few women showed up. It didn’t matter. I love working with women as there is much in their experience that is difficult, if not impossible to get into when men are in the group.
I understand that men have their traumas and their pain, and indeed, we are all human and can share the pain. However, for women struggling to make sense of their pain, shame, and guilt, having a single sex group is helpful.
I enjoy engaging with women. The irony of that statement is grounded in my youthful dislike of women. I didn’t know then what I understand now. That is not to say that I have patience for those females who are superficial, mean-spirited, or airheads. Listen, I never said I wasn’t judgmental.
We learn from the stories other women share with us. Years ago, I wrote a non-fiction book on women and creativity. The stories that were offered to me during those interviews were precious. For the most part, after speaking for a short time, the raw stories of these women tumbled out. I was honored that they shared so openly with me.
I have taught many workshops, most of them to women and every time, the sharing has had a profound impact upon me and others. I cherish those women, their honesty, their courage and their willingness to share.
I think too much. I once had someone say to me, “It is too bad you have to hang out with yourself.” LOL. Really! I can worry and ruminate and whirl about something that should be left alone. I sit at my computer trying to organize my workshop for tomorrow. The challenge: each session will be complete. People will regularly change. How do I impart anything about the writing process if each session is completely new.
I sit working on my novel, long term project of mine, and I reach a point where I have to change the approach. I get tired and have to stop. Just as I can think too much, I can write too much narrative and not enough dialogue and action. I have been accused of being too much in my head.
Maybe that is why I get headaches. LOL. I am keenly aware of my habits, the feelings in my body, my thoughts. I have been working on mindfulness and positive thinking. Right now I feel as if I have to practice “Acting as if…” Do you know that expression?
There is always respite from myself when I exercise and when I pick up a book to read. Today, I will use both those tools AND I just got Netflicks so perhaps I will watch for the first time House of Cards to see what I have been missing….Oh, I didn’t talk about my art. Since Sept., I have been painting with watercolors. Some of my work is impressive, some of it is awful. However, that is another blog.
What I know: My workshop will happen, and I will learn some lessons. My novel will get written and published, and I will learn some lessons. I will address my behavior and learn some lessons. Hopefully, I will accept the joy in learning the lessons.
Life seems regularly filled with transitions. There are work transitions, living transitions, relationship transitions, emotional transitions, physical transitions and sometimes a whole lot of transitions at one time.
I am in the midst of one of those whole lot transitions at one time. I know that I will cope and adjust but sometimes, or more than sometimes, I greet these transitions with a bit of chaotic behavior. I feel as if I have a million things to do but don’t know where to begin. Indeed, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can do nothing. Other times, perhaps because I am forced to by outside circumstance, I plunge ahead and get things done. But despite the reality that I am dealing, I feel surrounded by chaos.
I have long noticed when I move into chaotic behavior the one of the actions I should take to calm down I don’t. Instead, I engage in mental gymnastics and sleep deprivation out of anxiety. Writing is one action that brings me satisfaction; I haven’t written in about 6 weeks. This starting and stopping is problematic for me because it doesn’t help my mental state. It really makes it worse.
I meet my transitions kicking and screaming–LOL. But yet I intellectually understand and believe that if I go with the flow, as it were, I would handle my life better. The irony is that I know what to do to stay calm and focused but do not do that which would be of great benefit to me. That is another transition that I need to implement ASAP.
I awoke to a troubled teenager girl. The past evening had been filled with tears and anger and confusion. Life can be hard on a normal day, but the drama of teenage angst makes it harder. I have heard people say they wish they were 17 again. Not me. I remember well my own angst-and mine lasted well past my teen years. I would not wish to return to that state ever.
Since my teens, I have had my ups and downs, but I think I have learned to manage it better. I happen to be celebrating a birthday this week. The number is a bit of a shock to me. But, still, it could be worse and if I remain healthy it will get worse.HAHAHA.
I wish I had a magic wand to wave over my hurting teen. I wish I could take the pain away. But I can’t. I hope that I have the compassion to help her through this difficult time in her life. I hope I can give her the strength to stay healthy and brave.
My heart beats fast, I seek clarity today. I have to breathe and trust it will work out. She is an amazing human being, if I could only find the way to show her.
I started with my personal trainer today. This is not the first time I have worked with a trainer. I do hope that it is better. We are working differently than the last time I did this. We are not using machines and are working with my core strength — or should I say the lack of core strength.
Part of my problem relates to the body memory which is strong with in me. I move into a posture and can easily recall how once I did the move with ease. I don’t think there was one exercise I did today that came with ease or grace for that matter. Oh well. At least I am back on track.
I do need to occupy my mind with a different type of work out. Negative thinking, beating myself up and all that powerfully negative stuff I have down pat. Now, with this yet again, new beginning I have to remain positive, optimistic and trust. The universe actually has been kind to me. I must remember to smile and work out those face muscles. Smile and the psychy receives a boost.
My good friend read my first few chapters and gave me some wonderful feed back. So now I continue to push forward and one day, maybe soon, I will actually have a novel on my hands. The key, keep writing, writing, writing.
It was one of those ridiculously hard nights. I couldn’t get comfortable, my body, being of the age where aches and pains begin, was hurting, my skin was itching, my dog was walking around down stairs – her nails on the wood floor wake me- my husband was sound asleep on the coach in the den (his usual place before managing to find his way up to bed) snoring. AND, I was worrying about how am I going to get this blog thing going. If I send the site to people on my list, how do I get the opt out button? All the usual nonsense that I worry about in the middle of the night.
No, I am not one to get out of my bed and head to my office to work. I would be tired in the morning if I did that…
I told my son, 18, when he came home last night that I started a blog page. He turned to my daughter and said” L.., mom’s a blogger!” So much for his support and interest. I know, he is way to self -absorbed to be interested in my things. Doesn’t he know I am too self – absorb in me to understand his lack of interest!
I have to go as he is preparing to leave for school and I like to see him before he is off for his day.