A snob among us or everyone is just not equal

Here I sit. Focus is scattered. “Work on your book,” I tell myself. What stops me besides me?  Good question. I actually went to a writers’ group last week with a chapter from my book. I don’t think I will return to that particular group. Every critic began with “that was really well written.”  I didn’t share the group’ enthusiasm for the works presented nor did I believe the pieces were well written.

I can be such a snob, but I have been writing for quite some time. I know what I need from other experienced writers. I have always gone the process on my own. But then, I have never written a novel before. My books have always been written without input from others, an editor, yes, but nothing like a writing group. I related my experience to others who replied “sounds like you were in the wrong group.” I actually could write a short story about the people who participated as they were caricatures of familiar characters–the arrogant male, who has never published, the old man who was confused, the neurotic, depressed middle aged lady, etc. I walked away thinking I had better simplify the structure if this is my audience.

I have a tendency create complicated structures. Not difficult for a particular group of people, but the majority of readers are not within this group. Years ago, I was told my writings would never be selling in COSCO. I was insulted at the time, but with time I have learned to dumb my work down. Ohhh, the trials of brilliance. LOL. I actually am far more modest than I sound, but I do not have patience for this. I know what I want and need and will not settle for “that was very well written.” Actually, no!  The works ranged from boring, self conscious, neurotic without a point, to having no style, sense of dialogue, place, or movement.

So, there you have it. Now back to my novel.

Working for nothing…*-??!!

I am between jobs, yet again. Or as the saying was in theatre years ago, I am at liberty just now! LOL. The life of a freelancer who would be queen. Whatever that might mean. I do fancy myself more important than I am, or at least the world hasn’t caught up with my brilliance yet. Still it has been a long time since I have agreed to write for nothing. I have worked on being paid for what I do. For some reason people believe that writing is one of those items that are not crucial to the project…

I have met with a friend who is starting a business. The competition in this particular arena is great. She and her partners have tried writing several pages for the soon to be website but can’t figure out what is needed. The call to me comes in. I am at liberty. Why not get involved in this new enterprise? Being unable to clearly explain what it is or what is needed to be written, I asked to meet with all the potential partners– including the techies who are the driving force at the present. That meeting is this Thursday. Upon thinking about this project, I have decided that I must be compensated in some way. I mean, what if the business takes off? What do I get for my efforts without any financial investment? More to be discovered.

In truth, I am an awful business woman. I do work for clients and forget to send an invoice. There are those who intimately know me that refer to such moments as my Gracie Allen moments. For those who are too young to remember, she was an hilariously ditzy character. She was lovable, as well. That’s it. My charm is in my Gracie Allen moments. In the meantime, I need to find work that will pay the electric bill and the internet service I am utilizing.

Maybe I should just forget it and collect my small share of social security early. OOOPPPPSSSS. Did I just give away my age?

Knowing what to say and when to say it

Ok! My daughter is 20. I long to share my experience, strength and hope with her. I would willingly help her with anything. My problem, accepting that she doesn’t want my help. It upsets me, it hurts me, it frustrates me. And, I am continually being provided with lessons to stay out of her business. My perspective could be helpful. But, it is not what she wants. 

I anger her. She feels diminished by things I say. I don’t know how to tell her anymore directly than I have that I see a talented, creative, bright, beautiful (and she is beautiful) young woman. I even attempt to send her affirmations hoping that she will take my advice and read them, say them to herself, etc….

She continually misunderstands what I want to communicate. I know some of this is a function of that mother/daughter thing everyone talks about. Some of it reflects real issues that separate us. My heart is with her and my other child who happens to be a son. I can’t force anyone to take my advice. In truth, my parents struggled with me. I didn’t see it their way. It being almost anything. I don’t know that I still see things their way. Unlike many individuals who get chronologically older, I have not grown more conservative. LOL! I am not anything like a conservative. 

I am told over and over by friends, let her come to you. So difficult. But in truth, I dislike it immensely when someone tries to tell me what to do and I haven’t asked for it or found myself in a jam. It has taken me many years to get to the level of self reflection I can do. Why should I expect more from my daughter. So, as I write this, my daughter is angry with me. I have called her several times over the last few days. I have texted — all to no avail. Another lesson!

 

The sight of serenity

I return to this blog after a long hiatus. Why so long? I get involved with things in my life and don’t see the value in visiting my blog. I haven’t worked the blog as it should be worked. I haven’t connected with other bloggers. Why? Just part of my journey. I find myself, as my last blog stated, in transition once again. This transition, while not of my choosing, is better for my psyche. I was working in an environment that was toxic. No longer.

But, today I am faced with starting over again. Something I have done a good deal. Perhaps I need to accept more of my choice to live as a freelancer than I have. I like some structure and routine, but I like to be able to change within the structure and alter the routine.

The photo of the serene lake on the home page of my blog gave me a moment of wishfulness. I love to travel and be in nature. I get stimulated by nature and travel. That does give me a sense of peace.

I have neglected this blog and my own writings, and now in this transition I will seek serenity in working on my writing.

Transitions

Life seems regularly filled with transitions. There are work transitions, living transitions, relationship transitions, emotional transitions, physical transitions and sometimes a whole lot of transitions at one time.

I am in the midst of one of those whole lot transitions at one time. I know that I will cope and adjust but sometimes, or more than sometimes, I greet these transitions with a bit of chaotic behavior. I feel as if I have a million things to do but don’t know where to begin. Indeed, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can do nothing. Other times, perhaps because I am forced to by outside circumstance, I plunge ahead and get things done. But despite the reality that I am dealing, I feel surrounded by chaos.

I have long noticed when I move into chaotic behavior the one of the actions I should take to calm down I don’t. Instead, I engage in mental gymnastics and sleep deprivation out of anxiety. Writing is one action that brings me satisfaction; I haven’t written in about 6 weeks. This starting and stopping is problematic for me because it doesn’t help my mental state. It really makes it worse.

I meet my transitions kicking and screaming–LOL. But yet I intellectually understand and believe that if I go with the flow, as it were, I would handle my life better. The irony is that I know what to do to stay calm and focused but do not do that which would be of great benefit to me. That is another transition that I need to implement ASAP.

via Transitions.

Transitions

Life seems regularly filled with transitions. There are work transitions, living transitions, relationship transitions, emotional transitions, physical transitions and sometimes a whole lot of transitions at one time.

I am in the midst of one of those whole lot transitions at one time. I know that I will cope and adjust but sometimes, or more than sometimes, I greet these transitions with a bit of chaotic behavior. I feel as if I have a million things to do but don’t know where to begin. Indeed, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can do nothing. Other times, perhaps because I am forced to by outside circumstance, I plunge ahead and get things done. But despite the reality that I am dealing, I feel surrounded by chaos.

I have long noticed when I move into chaotic behavior  one of the actions I should take to calm down I don’t. Instead, I engage in mental gymnastics and sleep deprivation out of anxiety. Writing is one action that brings me satisfaction; I haven’t written in about 6 weeks. This starting and stopping is problematic for me because it doesn’t help my mental state. It really makes it worse.

I meet my transitions kicking and screaming–LOL. But yet I intellectually understand and believe that if I go with the flow, as it were, I would handle my life better. The irony is that I know what to do to stay calm and focused but do not do that which would be of great benefit to me. That is another transition that I need to implement ASAP.

Secrets kill

I was ready the news online as I always do when I came upon a BBC special report on Child Abuse in America. The country where voices are regularly raised around “Family value” and Christian principles is the focus of this report. Yet, the sad and horrifying truth is that reports now list America as having the worst record of any industrialized country in dealing with child abuse. Thousands of children every year are killed by those who are entrusted to protect and love them.

Thousands more are neglected or psychologically maimed  leaving a generation of children to grow into child abusers.  We talk about family and yet we have accepted children growing up in shelters for decades. Harsh, unsafe, frightening places for the young developing minds of children. Why should we be surprised, with all the family value talk, America places 39th in the WORLD for infant mortality. Another shame we don’t choose to address.

If we continue to hide from the violent underpinnings that plague our country today, what hope do we have for being a beacon of light to the world tomorrow? There are so many reasons for the increase in child abuse. A cohesive approach is needed which of course includes education, jobs, social supports, and a massive public outreach campaign about child abuse.

This is about the future of our nation and the soul of our country. Where is the outrage?

AT TIMES

 

 

Sometimes I run so fast I can’t see where I am going

Sometimes, I walk forward but twisted with my gaze backwards

Mourning all that I have missed

At times I am propelled in this or that direction lost in my confusion

I miss the path that takes me forward closer to my destination

 

Sometimes I walk but my gaze is down and once again I have missed where I have been

Other times I manage to move forward with eyes absorbing everything around me

At times, my soul is lifted by my surroundings; feelings of elation about the journey and my present fill me with peace

I know these moments well, I have memorized their sensations still I wonder off the path forward and struggle to return again.

I wonder why I do not stay where my feet are moving and keep my glance here within and without me

At times I am amazed at far I will go tormenting myself before I take the next step forward and lift my eyes to see and return to the path I am on now

Politics, Politicians, and Truth

I have always been involved politically — sometimes more actively than others. The trouble is that as every election passes I grow more cynical. I am one of those whose views have not gone from liberal to conservative as I have grown older. LOL! Not even close. But, my trust in our country’s ability to have reasonable dialogue, citizen involvement, and meaningful debate has lessened over the years.

I would like to think that I could pick up and move to another country, but I am not so sure. I do believe, still, that we have a responsibility to improve the plight of those less fortunate and that can happen politically. But the infusion of money from the corporations, thanks to a bizarre Supreme Court ruling has drastically altered the political arena.

Democracy works only if the citizens take responsibility and exercise their rights. The problem of voter turn out is huge and this year it has been complicated more by the attempts to limit voter registration under the false claim of protecting us from voter fraud.

I watched the Republican convention as difficult as it was and I will watch the Democratic convention. I hate the sound bites and the false rhetoric. I hate the fact that politicians take a piece of some truth and warp the meaning. I hate that the general population doesn’t want to take the time to learn about the issues or indeed what defines the problems.

I have been working voter registration and one day as I was sitting at the table, the other woman working asked a gentleman “have you registered to vote?” The gentleman, if I can be so generous, said, “Yes I am a registered Republican and I am going to do everything I can to get this bozo Obama out of office!” At which point I stated, “the question was simply have you registered to vote”, his response “Fuck you!.”
Nice cordial behavior as I sit in the 90 plus degree whether registering voters–Republicans and Democrats!

I wonder what it takes to get to the truth these days when each party is accusing the other of lies yet telling the truth with all its complexities is not part of the dialogue. No, the problems can not be reduced to sound bites, nor can the solutions to these complex problems. Despite my cynicism and feeling disheartened, I cannot tolerate the complaining of those who no longer participate in the process. They are as much a part of the issue as the manipulation of the truth.

Stymied

I just wrote a blog about random thoughts and perhaps not so random thoughts. When I went to post it I was told it was an invalid post. LOL. It was a kind of complaining post, maybe self indulgent. So, I will rewrite the  last part of the post.

I signed on as a voter registration worker today. The last time I did that was during the Bush/Kerry campaign. I was astounded by the number of excuses people gave not to vote and the amount of misinformation about world issues, America’s positions etc. Things have gotten worse as I know more people who are too disgusted to vote. Yet, all we have is our vote. How can we speak about democracy and the strength of America when Americans do not take the time to educate themselves about the issues or take the time to protect their rights.

I believe that since 2001, our rights have been greatly diminished and most people do not understand it. I have seen the sad truth revealed in the efforts of one party to limit voter rights in the name of voter fraud, though governmental studies have shown no voter fraud. Can I then sit back and express my views about it all? I suppose I can, but I know that if I want the change to happen, if I want common sense and not ideology to shape the dialogue, I have to be part of the movement. 

I am not happy about where we are now. I am a liberal, yes and proud of it. I believe there is more to our lives than the bottom line of corporations. Years ago, in a graduate class, I remember a professor quoting a twentieth century philosopher who argued that America was on a decline. Though she had advanced technology her moral and philosophical views were shaped by nineteenth century morays. Listen to the rhetoric today and you can hear the nineteenth century. 

It is my duty as a concerned American citizen to be involved and so I have done what I have done in the past, engaged the electoral process with all its shortcomings in hopes that something different can emerge. By the way, with such huge amounts of money spent on diabolical political ads one could alter the desperate lives of many of our citizens. It is a shame.