A new season

It is amazing how connected my life is to the rhythm of my children’s lives.  The academic season has begun, my son has gone off to college and my daughter has started high. This week I begin a new and very exciting job utilizing all my skills. And so, we all begin a new chapter in our lives and I trust that we will all grow and succeed in our efforts.

 I am looking forward to the challenges and the creative energy that will result from my efforts. The realities of such a position touch many aspects of my life; and there is a spiritual component to this as well. The potential for positive change is always present, both on a personal level and on a global level.
Of course I am working for a not for profit. I could not handle a corporate environment. I also get to continue to work from my home and be here for my daughter– that too is significant.
The process of change is unavoidable, the result of that change — my personal change — is dependent upon me. I look forward, as I usually do, to the opportunity to learn and grow.

A Master Plan

I have never been one to like , at least outwardly, too much structure or organization. Yet, over the years,I have grown to understand the need for structure. I have learned for example, that when writing a book, the outline can help — especially at those times when my thinking gets off track.  Most often though, I rebel against the structure.

Generally when I write I begin with a sense of where I am and plunge head long into the journey. When my process is working well, the journey is easy and exciting. When I am not working in harmony with myself, my process is halting. I suppose that is the argument for the outline. 

I was asked today, by a friend, if there was a meadow with a lot of garbage and weeds scattered around and I wanted to use the land as a garden, what would be my first action. I said I would start cleaning out the land, getting rid of the junk and the weeds. As the conversation continued my friend commented on my not asking to have someone check the land for snakes or other dangers.  I would never have thought of that at all. If the snakes appeared, I would deal with them. I would never think of not beginning because there might be snakes. I am not terrified of snakes, I guess that has something to do with it.  

I know that the master plan can help but I get caught up in the negative connotation of control and lack of spontaneity that is implied in having a master plan, at least in my mind.  Yet, I know that I get caught in a whirlwind of thoughts that leads to confusion and non action because I lack the master plan.  I believe, I need to change the metaphor.

When I was acting, I did well with improvisation. An over arching structure is needed, what fills the inside comes from something more dynamic and immediate. That is the path I now need to adopt in my work and my life. Change is upon me. Some structure is needed so that the whirlwind is contained and managed. Such a change is necessary but I know that I will still struggle against it–at least for a while. Like the saying: when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I will change. 

What the future holds

Do I sound trite? There is truth in all those silly little expressions that are ruined with over use but the core of those expressions remains poignant. My son graduated high school last week; my baby is growing up…. He is after all only 6’1″ and still growing. I was so very proud of him as he walked across the stage to receive an award and then again to receive his diploma. At graduation, I did not cry, nor did I feel like crying. It was very exciting for me and I know he was anxious to be officially done. He has been “over it (high school)” for many months.

I was asked today for an article idea for a parenting magazine and I realized that there were parallels about my experience of my son going off to pre-school and his going off to college. Transitions are always awkward. They are usually a mixture of many emotions, positive and negative. Perhaps it is better to say, a sense of accomplishment and loss. There is no way around those feelings but through them. But, as I did when he went off to school for the first time, I will trust that I have prepared him to make the right choices, believe that he can think for himself and cope, and trust that all good things will occur. For me, the hardest part of not knowing what will happen are my fears that someone or some thing will hurt my son and I won’t be there to fix it. Though he is 18, he is still so young — I wouldn’t dare say that to him.  Time hasn’t made me conservative or pessimistic. Love has made me fearful –for him –as he is precious to me.  
I know that he is not leaving my life completely, that change is inevitable and good but I will miss his smile, his imitations, his composing his music at the piano. I will adjust and hope that in the meantime I don’t drive my daughter, still at home for a few years, crazy.